Papa

20 years with.
10 years without.

10 years. A whole decade. One third of my life. Speaking numerically it sounds like a lot. It feels like a milestone. But it also still feels like yesterday.

In all that time the aching all-encompassing sometimes immobilizing heart wrenching hole that’s in the heart but affects the whole body, mind and soul has not lessened, but lingers around corners, behind experiences wished were shared or discussed, in photos and memorabilia, and sometimes in nothing at all but ambush unexpectedly.

You were so charismatic, so inspiring, so passionate, caring, combative, fiery, frustrating, fatherly, flirty, fun, fantastic, unique, amazing, loving. You were so very you.

Instead of thinking, “I wish you were here”, it’s time for a shift towards believing in some way your are. I will never love or miss you a single iota less, but now need to do so in a different way. It’s time to try to pack away and release the guilt and regret of what wasn’t done and the depressing disappointment of what never will come.

Though watching Father of the Bride or any Kurosawa, or getting the once Saturday tradition of a back bacon sandwich from the St Lawrence Market, and every time this date rolls by, floodgates of tears will still open, but their salt will sting slightly less. Instead of chocking on them, they will be happy reminders full of fondness and reminiscence of cherished times spent together.

You were loved, you are loved, you will always be loved… and missed.

Thinking of you wherever, whatever, whoever you are.

Xo

Your daughter

anatol schlosser emer schlosser

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4 Responses to Papa

  1. Allan says:

    oh, dearest Emer–I thought of Anatol all of September 11, since that dreadful date is inextricably linked with the loss of my beloved friend. I miss him so much, and I’m sorry that you, your brother and Mom are not in closer touch with us and we with you. Merle and I were in Israel for nearly all of August–a family wedding on my side, several close cousins on Merle’s–so we are just now getting back to normal. Anatol was my hero, and one of the giants of my life. Stay in touch; I love his family as well. always–allan (amgould@sympatico.ca)

  2. Lisa says:

    Such beautiful words. He would be proud of the creative and loving woman you have become. I see so much of his brilliance in you. x

  3. fohphoto says:

    Absolutely beautiful, Emer. Thank you for putting these feelings into such lovely words.

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